When You Can’t Fix It

“Surrender — giving up what we think should be happening for what is actually happening.” ~ McCall Erickson

I’ve been musing about this thought lately. There are times in life when tragedies happen, people you love are suffering and YOU CAN’T FIX IT! There’s nothing you can do. Nothing.

THEN WHAT DO WE DO?

We are beings who love doing, aren’t we? We’re all raised with such focus put on our ability to be capable and fix things. Problem? I’ll solve it! Predicament? Here’s what to do! Something broke? I’ll fix it! So when life throws us situations that we can’t actually fix, what can we do?

I’ve been struggling with this recently, both with my father in hospice care and passing last year, and with someone dear to me being in a severe depression. They were in physical and mental states I could not fix. I felt completely helpless. It was not in my power to make these situations any different.

I felt everything within these life challenges — grief, despair, LOTS of anxiety, frustration, anger, and guilt. Surely there must be something I can do! Have you been there? I believe most of us have if we’ve lived very long at all.

So what DO we do when we can’t fix something? I’m no expert, but here are the things I found I could do.

Be present. Simply be with the person who needs help. This is a natural instinct. I remember observing children when my son was in pre-school, and if one of them was upset, several other children would move and simply sit by that child. Not saying anything, just letting him or her know they’re not alone. It was powerful and comforting. Mere presence is often underrated. In his last months, my father was so comforted by the presence of people he loved. We didn’t have to do anything but just be there. Some people who may be depressed or recovering from trauma will push us away, but we need to gently find ways to be present with them anyway. In my life, when I’ve tried to isolate, I am eternally grateful for those friends who showed up and didn’t let me drown in the abyss I was creating. And if you can’t be with someone in person, call them. It helps.

“I thought faith would say “I’ll take away the pain and discomfort.” But what it ended up saying was “I’ll sit with you in it.” ~ Brene Brown